And That Makes Three

They say bad things and death occur in sets of three. Last week at this time I was on the phone with a police officer, he was telling me that my father had suffered a heart attack and passed away about twenty minutes earlier. My mom was crying hysterically, and I had to stay calm because my nephew was starting to get really upset (he is only two). This week, needless to say was hell. I know that I don’t talk very much about my father to really anybody because of our past, but this has been really hard for me. My father was an alcoholic which has been extremely painful for me to deal with my entire life. While all the twelve year old girls were going on “daddy daughter dates” I had to listen to my parents scream at each other because of addictions and other issues that just seem trivial right now. I’m saying that it was okay that he had his addictions, but I have forgiven him. My father was such a good man before everything happened. He was the most kind, smart, and generous man I have ever met. He had so much going for him, and everybody loved and adored him, but he could never see it. He always felt alone and depressed. When my Uncle died in a car crash when I was about six, My dad went off the deep end. He would drink every weekend, and even though he wasn’t physically abusive, emotionally it killed me. I would think that he didn’t love me or my mom or my little brother enough to stop. But now that I look back at it, He couldn’t stop. I hate it that he felt so alone and so sad all the time. I realize that there was nothing that I could do about it, but I still hate it. It was a vicious cycle, he felt so bad for drinking and upsetting my mother and brother that he would drink to ease that pain. These last few days I have really understood why he acted the way he did, and why he was an alcoholic. My friend told me that Alcoholism is genetic, and that you can be an alcoholic even if you don’t drink. I used to think she was full of it, but now I understand what she meant. This experience has been amazing. Through the week I have received emails, phone calls, text messages etc, which have really made me feel loved. It made me realize who my true friends are and who I am ready to wash my hands of. Some people who I thought would be there really weren’t, and that’s okay. Things change and we grow up, unfortunately sometimes that means we grow apart. That doesn’t belittle the past friendship, it just means its time to move on. Last night I went to a Nintendo Party with Sarah and it was so fun, and everybody there was so nice. It made me realize that I can move on and that I will forge other relationships that are just as meaningful as those that I have created in the past. Its going to be really hard, especially with one person in particular, But it will be okay. The strange thing is, I’m echoing his words right now, but I am moving on from him. I apologize that this blog is so sporadic I just have so much on my mind and I really miss my father, But I have for a long time, I just don’t think I’ve ever really dealt with it, and now that he really is gone I’m being forced to. I’m so sad, yet so happy at the same time. I’m so happy that he is finally back to normal and that he can finally escape his addictions. Just like I was forced to deal with his leaving, he is being forced to deal with his addictions. I’m so happy for him. I just want to end my blog with a sort of warning. If you ever consider drinking to escape your problems, please think of me, my family, and most importantly my father. He had everything, and he lost it all. At the end he really couldn’t control it, some of his last words were “do you think I want to be an alcoholic? Do you think I choose this for myself?” He couldn’t stop. He started off thinking “just this one drink will make me feel better” thirteen years ago, and he lost control. I don’t care how strong you think you are, you will lose control too. If you are hurting that deeply, please call a friend, call me. Thanks for reading this, and have a good’un

Michael Lee Qualls
October 21, 1957-October 17, 2004

The good life

When I look in the mirror I can’t believe what I see
Tell me, who’s that funky dude starin’ back at me?
Broken, beaten-down can’t even get around
without an old-man cane I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold, I’m bitter and alone
(awoo)
Excuse the bitchin’ – I shouldn’t complain
I should have no feeling, ‘cuz feeling is pain
as everything I need is denied me
and everything I want is taken away from me
but who do I got to blame? Nobody but me
I don’t wanna be a old man anymore
It’s been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin’ booty, makin’ sweet love all the night
It’s time I got back to the Good Life
It’s time I got back, it’s time I got back
‘n I don’t even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back, yeah!

Yay Weezer!! I adore that song and totally identify with it nowadays. Do you ever feel so incredibly busy but bored at the same time? That’s how I feel right now. Even though things are going well, I am really bored with everything. I think its because all I do is go to school go to work go home repeat. I dunno I think I miss high school. I know its nuts, Me, Missing high school. I was just thinking about all the fun things I used to do as a high schooler…Going to concerts, driving around in the wagon (the “pimp mobile”) going to dee’s.. Flying kites out the car window..Etc. Now all I do anymore is work at the UPS Store, work at school, and work on my art. Not to say the above aren’t laudable (thank you Mrs Peacock) things to work on, but I just don’t do a lot of fun things anymore. But things are changing. On Wednesday I decided that I am not the freak kid in my photo class. I actually made a couple friends so my new friend tally is now up to like seven. Okay well onto other, more interesting things.. The song of the day obviously is Weezer, “The good life” and its a way cool song and I adore it and have adored it for a very long time. Speaking of music so many good CD’s are coming out in the next little while. To name a few~ Jimmy Eat World, Tool, Beck, Korn, etc. I also want to invest in a couple smashing pumpkins CD’s. Hmmm what else is going on? OOOH I bought a new camera. Its a Nikon N55.. I think.. Hahaha I bought it from wal-mart but its actually pretty cool. Okay kids I have to get back to work.. Hopefully my computer at home will be up and running soon.. Argh.. Anyways, Have a good’un

ITS ME!!!

Okay I have like twenty minutes to kill and So I thought I’d drop by my blog. Sorry its been so long again I dunno if anybody even reads this anymore. ANYWAYS a lot has happened since I last posted but nothing too life altering. I have attended the Big Ass Show, seen many a crappy band, broken my camera (again) and seen many interesting bumper stickers. Anyways, I think I am going to start doing a “song/Band of the week, day, hour whatever” Sound cool? Yeah.. Today’s Band is Muse. Everybody should check them out especially if you live in the great state of Utah because they are coming to concert on the 22nd.. Or the 27th.. One of those days is muse and the other is Jimmy Eat World, another great band, but I’m sure most of you already know who they are. ANYWAYS Muse is a really awesome band, especially if you like bands like Radio head you will adore them. My favorite song is track 10, called “Butterflies and Hurricanes” CHECK IT OUT OKAY? I am in a weird mood today In case you haven’t noticed. I was thinking about how weird I am today in my photo class as I was being torn apart by a vicious critique (it only hurt because it was true) anyways, you know how in high school there was always that “weird kid” in your classes? I have noticed this semester there really aren’t any (with the exception of ass-man) especially in my photo classes. While pondering over this I realized something.. I think I might be the weird kid. I mean I am pretty shy which I think is often mistaken as arrogant or disturbed.. Anyways.. Everyone gets along really well in my class but I seem to be the outsider. I missed class on one day and I think that was like the super bond day or something.. You know the day where you do those exercises like “fall back and I will catch you” or the egg toss. Anyways, all I know is I only have like one friend and I think she just pities me because I’m a horrid photographer. I MEAN HORRID. I can’t get anything to expose Right this semester and my cameras keep breaking. I think it might be an omen. *sigh* what a world. Moving on. The other day I was driving somewhere and I was behind this car that said “SNOWMOBILERS FOR BUSH!” Now it is election time and all, but snow mobilers? Isn’t that a little odd? I mean who decided for all snow mobilers that they were for Bush? I mean that would be like me saying Blue eyed brunettes for Kerry!! Or something. I dunno.. Election time is fun because everybody acts really stupid. I mean not only are there candidates to be concerned about, there are scandals about Michael Moore and Sean Hannity. (oh do I hate Sean Hannity). For those of you who live out of the state, UVSC (Utah valley state college) has invited Michael Moore to come and speak to their student body, and apparently spent all of their speaker money on him. So all these up tight people are getting really upset and protesting etc. So maybe its a community college thing, but does anybody really go to see those speakers anyways? And if you don’t like Michael Moore here’s an idea DON’T GO. Anyways now Sean Hannity is gracing Utah with his presence and is going to speak at uvsc as well. Barry (who is okay by the way) listens to Sean Hannity daily, and its really creepy to listen to him and even more disturbing are the callers who call in and devote their lives to him. They were talking about the whole UVSC thing the other day, and like all these stay at home moms called him thanking him for coming to out state and show people the “light”. I dunno its kind of creepy when people talk about Sean Hannity in the same way they would about their religious leaders. Okay kids I better get going. You all have a good’un and I will try and post more often.. Its kind of hard with a BROKEN COMPUTER.. argh.. Anyways Have a good’un