These hips don’t lie

All I know is I’ve never been so hurt.

Sarah says:
you are a sad, sad excuse for a human being.

Sometimes your words just cut to the quick.

I’m going to go sniff some sardines.

The only difference is what might be is now what might have been

This week I don’t like Monday. It could be because it’s month and year end here at the ICEE company, so everything is sort of chaotic. (read: the internet connection is REALLY slow.) Other causes of the longest Monday in the history of Mondays include a weekend vacation coming up in less than 6 days, perfect temperatures outside, and the fact that my desk may or may not suck the life out of every human who comes into contact with it. 4 more hours until I get to go to class. At least in art history I get to play with my favorite possession of all time… I downloaded a million and one widgets last night. Including one widget that’s a light bright. Yes. A light bright.

Anyway, I wasn’t really planning on whining about Monday’s through this post, I’ve actually been pondering a lot lately which is a pretty big change from the mentality that followed me like a rain cloud over the summer.

It’s nice to be back.

A lot has taken place since last week at this time. I can’t believe how much better I feel having returned to school. I don’t know if its because I am actively thinking on an academic level, or if its just because I am around some really good friends again, but I feel so much better. Going back to school always forces me to look back and see how I have progressed (or digressed) since the semester prior. I’ve been thinking particularly about how much I’ve changed since foundations (drawing and sculpture… You remember all the drawing class rants right?).

This fall I unexpectedly have a class with a pretty good friend from that era. Its so strange to think about how much I’ve changed since learning (“learning”) how to draw with a 1 point perspective in the hallways of the art building 2 years ago. I was coming out of such an awkward phase at the beginning of that semester; I had few friends, hardly any money, and next to no self confidence. I was still dealing with a lot of insecurities stemming from my dad, weight, and over all feeling of not belonging anywhere. But I see now that fall semester of 2005 was a major turning point in my life. It’s puzzling how I can be different, yet still similar to that shadow of the past.

It obviously makes sense, because it is MY past, it’s just interesting how problems and successes morph from one thing to another. It’s also interesting how seeing one person who you basically forgot about can trigger so many memories.

I’m pretty sure this is going to be an awesome year.

Follow the lines and wonder why

School has started and three days into the semester I already feel more at peace. I think school gives me a sense of balance that I desperately need. School also forces me to focus on what I love.

After posting my last blog I decided that I have been running at full power for the past 3 or so months and that I need to slow down, give myself alone time just to chill out. Otherwise I’m going to crack and end up sitting in a corner crying for weeks. I really hate it when that happens. Mascara gets everywhere.

If I want to change, or revert back, the only person who can do that is me. So here I am, changing again. I must be human.

So what am I going to do to accomplish these changes? Well to begin with, I’ve decided that I set unrealistic expectations for myself, so I’m lowering the bar. I cannot continue to work 2 jobs, go to school full time, spend time with 10 different people at different times, maintain a healthy relationship with my family and date someone at the same time. It’s just too much. I feel overwhelmed and trapped and when I feel that way I get artistically stumped, and that is the worst feeling in the world.

Yesterday I quit one of my jobs, and I’ve decided to stop feeling guilty because I can’t spend as much time as I’d like to with my friends. My priority right now is school, my portfolio, and my work as an artist. Unfortunately that means that everything else will have to take a backseat for the time being. So I’m sorry if I seem distant, I just need to do this for me.

I wish I was special, you’re so very special

It’s nearly One A EM and I can’t sleep. You know what’s awesome about my insomnia? I’m laying in bed typing this post. HOW AWESOME IS IT BEING A LAPTOP OWNER? Pretty. Effing. Awesome.

I have no particular reason to blog, I never seem to have a reason to post anymore and that’s sort of sad. I’m sort of concerned that I have lost my will to be creative and that is slightly problematic seeings how I graduate in less than 12 months. My last week of the summer has been particularly crappy, I had the flu for most of it. On the bright side? I lost ten pounds.

oooh Internet what has happened to me this summer?

I feel like I’m not me anymore and I’m not exactly sure what to do. I used to be the girl who cared about the world, who wanted to change everyone’s life for the better. I wanted to join the peace corp and make a real difference. And now? All I think about is myself. Money, school, friends, irritation, dating, work, diet. Really who am I anymore? When did I become so jaded?

What scares me most is I don’t know if this is just a phase, or if it’s a transition. I don’t know if I can listen to the lyrics of a Dave Matthews Band song and be fixed this time. Life doesn’t inspire me the way it used to, it’s all the same anyway. Art, Music, Media in general- Somebody else has already done what you’re thinking, and they’ve probably done it better than you. I know there is more to life than that, but it seems to be the case with everything. I’ve always wanted to be an “artist” and I’ve always wanted to be able to express myself. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know exactly how to articulate what I’m feeling, all I know is that I have changed, and I want to go back to how things were last year at this time. But I don’t know how to get there.

I’ll go to bed in 20 minutes, wake up tomorrow and regret posting this. Oh well. Whatever happens, happens right cowboy?

Just do it, whatever it is..

The semester starts one week from today. I am completely unprepared for the school year to begin.

Usually when its time to start school again I am full of anticipation and excitement. This year? I just want to take the semester off and sleep. Instead I have a 7:30 AM math class to look forward to every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Luckily, it’s the last math class I will EVER take. It’s also the last Gen Ed class I have to take before graduating.

Have I mentioned that I am a senior this year and it’s crazy? Because it is.

I feel like I should be doing a ton of self reflecting and making goals for what I want to accomplish this school year, but for some reason this time around I don’t particularly care, nor do I have any new goals. I think it could be due to the fact that I’m still very involved from projects from last year so this semester doesn’t feel so much like a new beginning.

I also don’t have a strong desire to get out and meet ten million people, fall desperately in love with one of them, etc etc. I’m quite content with my social and personal life for the time being, which is awesome. The only downside is it turns school into what it really is, preparation for my future, not some sort of social hour.

I always kind of like it when I have low expectations for the future. The results are always so much better.

Finally!

HAHAHAH LOOK!

www.malloryqualls.com

Thank you Jeremy for ALL your help!

Fighting’s not good activity Let’s use our creativity

So much to blog about, so little time. In case you were wondering how my life is lately, it’s fantastico. Actually I’m pretty sure I’m at my life’s climax right this very second. I am the proud owner of a Macbook Pro, and a soon to be proud owner of a Canon 30d. This means my dear friends, that a) I can be online whenever I want as long as there is a steady Internet signal and b) I can actually start working digitally. In a word? Awesome.

Not that I think that my possessions bring me happiness, but I’m pretty sure I am right on track as far as where//who I want to be going into my senior year of college. Senior Year. Crazy. Anyway things just seem to be going really well for me, and I don’t want to blog about it too much, you know to avoid jinxing. Apparently I’m superstitious now.

The real reason I decided to blog at one forty-five a.m. besides the inability to fall asleep is to announce that I am going to Bumbershoot over Labor Day weekend and I am very very VERY excited about it. I’ve wanted to get away all summer and I think a weekend in Seattle seeing Michael Michael and Craig will do the trick.