It’s so weird to be back here

No Picture this year…

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but it’s been rainy on October 17th for the past three years.

I’m not really sure what to say about it this year. I’m still sad, and I still miss my dad every day, but as time goes on, accepting it becomes easier. Year three has been the most interesting year to date, I feel that I really have started moving forward. From the campaign, to broken relationships to the PAC, I have yet again changed. I suppose life is change.

I visited the neighborhood I grew up in a few days ago and everything is completely different. What was once a horse pasture behind my house is now 10 or so lots with brand new “mcmansions” occupying them. The place that both my father and I grew up in no longer exists. Everything changed and I didn’t even know it was happening. I think life is the same way. We get so caught up in everything, that we don’t even notice what is happening, and we forget the past.

As I was walking to class this morning I was thinking of people that I know now, who knew me then. Aside from my family? Cynthia and Scott. Of all the people I consider to be good friends, two of them knew me then. I have changed so much, and my dad has no idea who I am anymore. Yeah yeah, he walks next to me every day and knows everything that’s going on I’ve heard all of that before. But it’s not the same, and I’m not an optimist.

I think that is what is hardest. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know that I go to the crown every Tuesday. He doesn’t know about the PAC and all the work I’ve put into it. He doesn’t know anything about the hardest relationship that I had to face last year. He doesn’t know me anymore. He isn’t here watching me succeed, and he isn’t here to listen to me when I’m sad. Despite our problems, save Mikey, nobody has ever understood me like my dad did.

I really miss that feeling.

I know that I am lucky though. Because of his trials, and the trials he subjected me to, I am strong, and I know can do anything. I am forever grateful for that.

Good Morning Sun..

It’s that time again.

Stand by for a post that is probably way too personal for the internet.

Unintended

On Feb. 19th my Aunt’s mother passed away, and Saturday was her funeral. For some reason I had a really hard time with it. Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to cry, or maybe it brought back really painful memories. This is the first funeral I’ve been to in since October, 2004. It is insane how much you forget, and even more insane is how it all comes back in an instant. Little things like cloth covered folding chairs at the graveside, hearing my Grandfather speak, and family prayers brought back so many memories. I couldn’t help but empathize.

Combine that with some personal drama, and that makes for one overwhelming weekend. While this past weekend was particularly rough, I’m really lucky to know what things will always make me feel better.

• Talking to my Mom at 3:00 AM
• “Dropping by” to certain friends’ house, even if it is at 1 in the morning and they’re not expecting me
• Being able to look back and see how far I’ve come, it’s really empowering sometimes
• New Shoes
• Surprise visits from my family
• Tagalong ice cream. Dude its frigging good.
• New gadgets
• Singing to the radio with Mikey
• Watching stupid TV shows with Mikey
• Eating Ice cream with Mikey
• New Purses
• Spending time with a new friend
• Seeing siblings I don’t see nearly enough
• Spending time with my extended family and realizing it’s importance
• New CDs

Okay, I’ll end my sappy post now… And I’ll start being funny again soon. Thanks for bearing with me.

Have a good’un

I am a loser geek, crazy with an evil streak

So I am actually typing out a real honest to goodness post, and I have to say, I am quite proud of myself. Things in the world of Mallory have been insane lately, which has made blogging difficult for multiple reasons; 1) lack of time 2) lack of creativity 3) I’m lazy. ANYWAYS while things have been chaotic, they have been really fun. I’m really loving this semester, despite the lack of sleeping, eating, and socializing it has resulted in. I’m still trying to keep things interesting though.

Last night Maac and I went to see Everclear in concert, and it was really fun. They’re currently on the Van Wilder Tour, which featured a bunch of bands I’d never heard of, however I liked all 4 bands that performed, specifically a little band called Johnny Lives, which was really weird because normally I hate opening acts and want to claw my eyes out before the end of the first set. ANYWAYS after the first 3 bands Everclear took the stage and it was pretty awesome.

Fun fact about Mallory: So Much for the Afterglow was one of the first CDs I ever purchased and still listen to today. I think everyone has a CD, or a band that they have loved forever for no reason at all. I will forever have a soft spot in my heart for Everclear (and Third Eye Blind but I’ll save that for another post). I do have reasons for loving both of these bands though, and that reason is my dad. Without going into too much detail, I used to listen to Everclear a lot when I was dealing with the trials of my childhood. It never ceases to amaze me how much better I feel once I hear a song that I can identify with.

During the show they played both “Wonderful” and “Father of Mine” and I couldn’t help but think about how hard it would be to play both of those songs night after night after night. In one of my photography classes we were assigned to take pictures of “private” and “public” images. Originally I was going to try and shoot a roll based on my feelings about my dad, because aside from what I write on this blog, I rarely talk about it, and if I do I usually come up with some sort of joke to get out of actually talking about it. Needless to say, I chickened out on my way to the cemetery and came up with a different idea. So yeah… Kudos to you Art Alexakis, and thank you for your work, it’s definitely helped me through some rough times.

Have a good’un

Its time for a depressing post! WOO HOO! oh… wait. So yeah, two years ago on Tuesday marks the 2 year anniversary of my Dad’s death. Although, I suppose today could be viewed as the anniversary because it happened on a Sunday. I think its becoming a tradition for me to re-asses and evaluate my life at this time of the year, which is probably a good thing. I think I’ve grown immensely in this past year. Going up to the U and making new friends has changed my all or none attitude that I held so strongly to, and I can’t even begin to tell you how good it feels to not be afraid anymore. Yesterday while at breakfast with Marci, we were talking about how happy we are now socially, and I realized I don’t think I have ever been happier than I am at this current time (knock on wood). Everything is amazing. I love my job. I love School and my major. I love feeling apart of an important campaign. I love my family. I am friends with the most amazing people I have ever met, some who I’ve known since i was in 4th grade, some who have been through things I can’t even imagine, some who are willing to be wacky and fun at one moment, and then drop everything at the next because I need to cry about something, some who I’ve never even met but know I can always count on for anything. I don’t know what I did to be so lucky. but I’m glad that I am.

I still miss my dad every day.

I hate it that things turned out the way they did, and I hate it that he couldn’t get better. I hate it that he’ll never see me succeed, that he’ll never see my first showing. I hate it that he doesn’t know my friends and I hate it that he’ll never know my boyfriends. I hate it that he won’t walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. I hate it that he can’t take Mikey and me camping, or hiking or to the Mountain Men Rendezvous. I hate it because he shouldn’t be dead. I think that everything happens for a reason, but I hate it that its so unfair.

But like I said earlier, I am so lucky to be where I am today.

Have a good’un

All the colors mix together- to grey

Whoa

When did it become October?

Where is My Mind?

It’s official, I am a bigoted hight-est. Just ask Sarah. I’m actually writing this post from my art history course, No I haven’t finally purchased a laptop, this message has been transcribed from my notebook.. ANYWAYS how was your Labor day weekend? Mine was nothing short of fantastic.

Friday night Marci bo Barci and I went to our place and then afterwards decided to go to the off Broadway theatre for some improv comedy. It was really fun; you should try if you’ve never been. The crowd there was really small, but I think that just added to how fun it was. The actors actually did a skit that took place at the ICEE Company, so that was pretty funny. After the club, we met up with Sarah for Chai at the Coffee Break. It’s a pretty cute coffee shop, and they have pretty good chai. We met some new friends, and Sarah may have met the love of her life, but we’re not sure yet. (yeah yeah you hate me the size of a grain of rice…)

Saturday was also an awesome day, I spent the entire day with people who I adore. Saturday morning I went to the farmers market with Jessie and her roommate, an it was really fun. I really love the farmers market, they always have the coolest stuff, and you can get full on free samples J. After the market, I went home to a family get together with my dad’s side of the family. It was really awesome. I don’t think I’ve sat down and really talked with them since my dad passed away, so seeing them definitely brought back some awesome memories. Its crazy how fast time flies. I think we are going to try and get together more often, and that excites me. Saturday night I went to dinner with Sarah and saw Talladega nights. Hee I love Will Ferrell. After the movie, we went back to my house and just watched some tv, all in all, Saturday was awesome.

THEN ON SUNDAY Mom, Mikey and I went to the Mountain Men Rendezvous at Fort Bridger. It was really fun. My dad used to always take us to the rendezvous when I little, so it was sort of a visit to the past again, but like Saturday, it was a welcome one. I forgot how cool that place is. It was fun seeing people dressed up like it was the early 1800s. I am so happy to be living now instead of 100-200 years ago.

I spent Monday at home and with the girls shopping, it was fun. I told you it was a fantastic weekend. Looks like this weekend should also be pretty awesome, I’m going to the state fair, and to Greek-fest. I’m excited. Things in my life are insane right now, but I love every second of it. This week I signed up to volunteer for the Pete Ashdown Campaign and I am really excited about it. I will be doing office work for them and they talked to me about being one of their photographers, which blows my mind. I think this will be an awesome experience and I can’t wait. Anyways, I have art history to read about (remember the 5 things I want to accomplish this semester? Yeah I’m all over it.)
Have a good’un.

Open up my head and let me out

SO FIRST OF ALL… I’m very upset that nobody commented on my pictures because I thought they were friggin funny. DON’T COMMENT NOW ITS TOO LATE! YOU LOSE! Or I do… Anyways.. Its cold in my house. And I am supposed to be drawing right now but of course I’m putting it off to the very last second.. Friggin drawing. 2 more months… So lately I’ve been pondering excessively and its starting to hurt my head. About a week ago I had the following conversation (or something close to it..)

M: How was your weekend?
D: mmm I don’t remember
M: okkayyy…
D: lol- I wasn’t drunk all weekend
M: I didn’t say you were
D: I know you’re judging me…

So while the conversation was friendly and we were just kidding around, it really made me think. I’m not particularly close with D, He knows my dad was an alcoholic and that I don’t drink but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know why-I’ve been re-thinking my stance on the whole anti-alcohol issue and it’s sort of freaking me out. All my life it’s always been so black and white- drinking=bad sobriety=good. Now I’m finding its not that easy, and that there are a lot of grey areas. I think that I subconsciously think that just because a person drinks that automatically means that they are an addict. While I know that’s not true, I have a hard time believing it. If that makes any sense. I’m not saying that I want to go out and change the way that I live, but I think I need to re-asses how I view people. I don’t want to prematurely judge somebody just because of choices that they make. Just like I would never judge somebody for their religious or political beliefs, I shouldn’t judge people for consuming various substances. It’s just hard for me. I have a really hard time being around people that are intoxicated- The thought of having friends like that terrifies me. Not only because its hard for me to be around, but also it freaks me out to think that I may eventually give in. But just because I’m scared doesn’t mean I should shut people out all together.. Right? I ended a couple friendships last year because of this topic and I’m beginning to wonder if I ended them because of my convictions or because of my fears. Well anyways… If you have any feedback I’d really appreciate it. Have a good’un

Happy Anniversary

As you can see I put pictures up again! (see here and here for past photo postings) The boy and girl are myself and my little brother Mikey just screwing around one night with a camera. Good times. Anyways I didn’t go to work today, and I am the biggest slacker ever. Last night I had a minor breakdown due to the fact that I can’t draw so my mom made me stay home. Yes. I’m 20 years old and my mommy had to call in sick for me today. Ugh. I have to say, the day off has been really nice, I have gotten a lot done, even it wasn’t work or school related. I am supposed to be writing a paper right now on 3rd world poverty. I think it should be pretty interesting. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it or not, but lately I’ve been considering joining something like http://www.crossculturalsolutions.org/ the only thing is I don’t know how I would afford it. I talked to a counselor or something and she said that I could probably qualify for grants of some sort. I dunno, I just think it would be really cool. Lately I feel like I need to do something more with my life then just work, go to school, socialize etc. I know it sounds kind of cliche but I want my life to mean something. Anyways, onto more superficial items- I have again concluded that I will remain single for time and all eternity. Over the weekend I was hit on by a man missing half his teeth and a naked woman tattooed on his arm. Oh how I attract the winners. Oh well as long as I have girls night everything will be fantastic. hee. Speaking of girls night I have officially decided to be sally for Halloween. I bought fabric for my costume last week, hopefully I will have enough time to make my costume. I’m excited about it. So today’s October 17th. I still can’t believe its been a year since my dad passed away. Its just crazy to me. I went to the cemetery yesterday to pay my respects, and for the first time ever, I cried. It was weird. Dude.. My blogs are depressing lately. Sorry about that! (Don’t cry M!)Well kiddies I better get back to my homework, but I’ll post later! Have a good’un!

October already?

Dude. Its hard to work full time, go to school almost full time, and maintain a website that almost nobody reads. Now that Elder Smith is on his way to Peru, I don’t know if anyone will read this anymore hee hee. Well a lot is going on so I thought I would take some time to post to you about it. (whoever you are) My classes are going really well, I have made a lot of new friends which is really awesome. Almost everybody in the art department is really REALLY nice (with the exception of stupid suck up boy who I spend too much time hating..) The actual curriculum is really frustrating though. I am awful, I mean AWFUL at drawing. I would hate my drawing class and probably never go if not for a few students and a really cool teacher. However, I find myself going to school more to socialize then to actually learn which probably isn’t good. My 3-d Class is also pretty challenging to me, I just don’t ever seem to have enough time to do my homework well and its frustrating. This weekend though I’m going to make a gigantic sphere made out of sheet metal.. It should be fun. Or disastrous.. I guess we’ll see what happens. I always feel like I do a pretty decent jobs on my projects in that class but when it comes time to critique I always leave wanting to change my major from Art to something like sociology. Its actually been a hot topic in my mind lately, changing my major that is, while I love art, I don’t feel like an “Artist” but I think that its due largely to the fact that I have never taken any sort of art classes aside from photo before this semester. I’m trying to keep a good attitude about things, but its hard. Also, I have a really hard time asking for help, because I feel like I am so much worse than EVERYONE in my classes, especially in drawing. Anyways.. Other things are going on besides school. The girls night group (which includes the fine females from twolooseteeth) are having a Halloween Party and its gonna be rockin’! We had our first official meeting last night to start planning it. I haven’t decided what I want to be yet though. I’m thinking I want to be Sally from the nightmare before Christmas, but I don’t know. I JUST DON’T KNOW. I will probably end up being a UPS Store employee or a punk rock princess or something lame like that. BUT MAYBE I will get a wig. Because we all know wigs are fun. Hmmm What else is going on? Oh I had the pleasure to see Mister Trent Reznor in concert last week. It was pretty good. I have to say I will always love Maynard James Keenan more though. The concert was a lot of fun. There were many an interesting hair style and costume, which was very entertaining. Queens of the Stone Age opened which was really cool except the lead singer kept saying “your mom” jokes, but he was serious. Dude. Nobody should seriously say “your mom” jokes, Especially if you’re a white front man of a rock and roll group. I’m just sayin… SO ANYWAYS- Its October. And Monday is October 17th. Crazy. Part of me can’t believe its only been a year, while the other part thinks its been so much longer. SO MUCH has happened in this past year. I know I have changed a lot and I hope that it is all for the better. Ironically I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. I think that comes when you lose so much though. You kind of get the attitude of “well it’s been worse and I survived that.” If that makes sense. I still miss my dad a lot. He loved Halloween. Every year at the beginning of the Halloween season he would take us to the grocery store and buy like 10 bags of Halloween candy. It was the COOLEST ever, especially when you’re twelve and not worrying about your waistline . He would also always buy my mom a new Halloween Decoration. My dad didn’t really like candy that much. But he loved doing things for us to make us happy. Even last year when we were cleaning out his apartment he had our big crystal bowl, full of candy, even though we weren’t there to eat it. Its weird how something can happen so fast and change your life forever. Since his passing away I’ve decided that I don’t want to have close relationships with people who drink or use drugs. (regularly) I’ve ended two really important friendships this year because of it and its been really hard, but I think that it was the right thing to do. I’ve been thinking about this decision a lot lately… I dunno. I know people don’t understand why I feel the way I do, But this is what I do know. Every person I have ever known to be involved w/ drugs and alcohol its ruined their life, which consequently has taken a toll on mine. So I guess I’m just selfish in not wanting to be close to users, but it is so hard for me to deal with. And if people don’t understand that, I guess they don’t. I really miss my friends though. Anyways.. I better get back to work.. So have a good’un