Maybe it’s because one of my best friends just got engaged. Maybe it’s because one of my favorite photo-friends got married a couple weeks ago. Maybe it’s because New Year’s Eve is just around the corner and that holiday ALWAYS makes me feel like crap. Lately? I’ve been feeling VERY single, and not so quirkyalone.
Just thought I’d throw that out there.
PS. I’ve moved to wordpress, standby for a new layout!
So I’m pretty sure yesterday I had my first ever nervous breakdown. Awesome huh? Having said that, just wanted to warn you that for the next few weeks I may be the following:
1) Bitchy
2) Apathetic
3) Annoyed
4) Crying
5) Laughing hysterically
6) Shaking… like hand tremors?
7) Comatose
Cursing Joe
9) Cursing money
10) you get the general idea.
I’m blogging this right now because i am momentarily sane. However stand by for manic text messages, depressive IM’s and all that jazz.
I just set my alarm for 5:00 AM. woe. is. me.
Only two more weeks of the never-ending semester of busy-ness. I suppose it isn’t never-ending, what a foolish adjective to use.
As the semester ending draws near, I grow weary of mathematics, creating “deep” art, and my constant love-hate relationship with my single state.
I had fantastic ideas when i set out to post this blog, but somehow all of those ideas have fallen out of my brain. Oh well at this point you should come to expect this shoddy work. Thanks for being so cool
Oh yeah! I breathed the same air as Tool this weekend, always a religious experience. The concert was great, but Maynard James Keenan seemed to be feeling the same apathy that I have been suffering from all semester. Maybe I was just imagining things, but I like to think that we are on the same creative wavelength.(Yeah right.) During the concert I started daydreaming that he somehow discovered my work and wanted me to create work for TOOL… Stop judging me.
The daydream where MJK discovers my artistic genius after sweeping me off my feet, actually lead to some pretty cool ideas for my artistic future. I might be on the brink of something big. But I need to learn how to work with video…
Now if you’ll excuse me, MJK* is about to beg me to take him back.
*note to Maynard James Keenan: if for some reason you read this blog, please stop judging me. I promise I don’t smell like BO, and if you’d just expand your mind you’d see that if we collaborated, the results would be ENDLESS.
This little shack is now for sale– or rather the property. No one would pay much for the shack! But it has been the most important building in Glendale! the “for sale” sign marks the end of an epoch– the beginning of another. No tears can be wasted over a change: all changes are important
-Edward Weston
I went to a Ben Lee concert last night and it was just what I needed. I have been having a really bad creative block all semester and this past week I finally started coming out of it and it’s awesome!
I love Ben Lee shows, I always leave wanting to experience everything. Carey Brothers opened for him, and put on a phenomenal set. I wish i could articulate how great shows make me feel. I love the feeling of being creatively charged. Ben Lee especially has a way of looking at the world and seeing it for its beauty, which can be really hard at times.
I wish I were more like that.
His shows are always full of good feelings. From the obvious camaraderie between he and fellow tour-mates, to the feeling you get from the crowd, the results are always positive. This is the third Ben Lee show I’ve been to, and every time I am blown away by how nice and friendly the crowd is. Maybe it’s because it’s always small, so a certain anonymity is lost, but I like to think its because they subscribe to similar beliefs i do. After all we’re all in this together.
Lately I feel like I am always filled with aggression, irritation, or shame and frankly? I’m sick of it. While watching the set and the crowd last night it occurred to me (again and again) that my feelings are completely self inflicted. If I experience this world by judging others, fearing judgement, and and focusing on everything that is wrong, I’m never going to be happy, I’ll just be filled with insecurity and resentment.
I want my life to be like his. I want to travel the world on a tour bus and spread happiness. Yeah yeah, I’m not a musician and I’ll probably never get to experience that first hand, But I am an artist and I can spread similar feelings through my work. I want to see everyone and everything for its beauty.
And I will.
So when you think to yourself “I should blog” and the first two titles that come to mind are Kelly Clarkson and Green Day lyrics, it is time to reasses. (no offense, I like her too. but not in the her-music-is-so-deep-and-she-totally-gets-me sort of way.)Luckily I found a Shins lyric. (Thanks ZB.)
Internet, I am driving myself crazy. Why is it that every November I come off this awesome “I’m so independent” or “I am unstoppable” high to land face first in a “tee-hee I like boys” attitude? Like really? What happened to Miss Independent?
She didn’t fall in love that’s for sure.
So what will happen next? I’ll spend the next month or so dwelling over meetings that are essentially meaningless. I’ll annoy the crap out of Sarah, Marci,and Jeremy by telling them every last irritating detail, like how he likes his coffee or what his shoe size is. I’ll have a daily meeting with Scott so he can decipher what this and that means, and convince him to convince me that he actually likes me. I’ll probably write a journal or something to keep me from blogging about it and embarrassing myself. Then he’ll tell me I’m his best friend. And then comes the crying.
At least the girls will bring me Tagalog ice cream and Jeremy and Becca will take me rummaging in Orem.
So my question is, WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF? Honestly? I do this over and over and over. I know that I’m happiest when I’m single, I know that I hate having ridiculous “crushes.” I know that I am annoying, yet I can’t stop. I? am a walking contradiction.
And I don’t know what to do.
So much has happened this past weekend, and I have so much to write, because I KNOW you have been sitting on the edge of your seat wondering what is going on in my life. It’s that exciting.
Before I go on, in case I don’t get around to blogging again before next week,FOR THE LOVE OF CHEESE, GO OUT AND VOTE. In case you’re wondering, I’ll be voting against Referendum 1. So stop calling me. Also, if you live in Salt Lake, I am endorsing Ralph Becker for Mayor, but unfortunately can’t vote for him since I live in Sandy. So there you go. go vote. Go Vote. GO VOTE.
This past weekend was amazing, one of the best weekends I’ve had all semester. I think it’s due largely to the fact that I didn’t do any homework. Friday night marked the opening of the student show at The Meyer Gallery. It was a lot of fun to see my friends in a gallery setting, and even cooler than that was seeing my work on the wall.
The experience was different from what I expected, I really only talked to about 5 people, while at the gallery but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. It was neat to see my friends outside the art department react to my work. Oh and? Somebody told me that one of my images reminded him of the opening credits to Cowboy Bebop. Best compliment ever.
Saturday consisted of dicking around with various friends at multiple Halloween parties. It was so nice to take a break from everything and just hang out. Being so busy this semester has really taken a toll on my social life, and I really miss my weekend shows with my adorable friends.
Sunday I went to church.
I know.
Chaseface spoke in his homeward, and I went to have a listen. It’s always so strange going back to Taylorsville. It’s especially weird to go back to my old ward and see everything changed. Even though I don’t consider myself LDS anymore, I am so glad to have the opportunity to be apart of that community during high school. So many of those people meant so much to me, it’s so strange how things change. All I know is I wouldn’t have been able to get through that time without their support. So if any of you read this (which I doubt…) Thanks.
No Picture this year…
I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but it’s been rainy on October 17th for the past three years.
I’m not really sure what to say about it this year. I’m still sad, and I still miss my dad every day, but as time goes on, accepting it becomes easier. Year three has been the most interesting year to date, I feel that I really have started moving forward. From the campaign, to broken relationships to the PAC, I have yet again changed. I suppose life is change.
I visited the neighborhood I grew up in a few days ago and everything is completely different. What was once a horse pasture behind my house is now 10 or so lots with brand new “mcmansions” occupying them. The place that both my father and I grew up in no longer exists. Everything changed and I didn’t even know it was happening. I think life is the same way. We get so caught up in everything, that we don’t even notice what is happening, and we forget the past.
As I was walking to class this morning I was thinking of people that I know now, who knew me then. Aside from my family? Cynthia and Scott. Of all the people I consider to be good friends, two of them knew me then. I have changed so much, and my dad has no idea who I am anymore. Yeah yeah, he walks next to me every day and knows everything that’s going on I’ve heard all of that before. But it’s not the same, and I’m not an optimist.
I think that is what is hardest. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know that I go to the crown every Tuesday. He doesn’t know about the PAC and all the work I’ve put into it. He doesn’t know anything about the hardest relationship that I had to face last year. He doesn’t know me anymore. He isn’t here watching me succeed, and he isn’t here to listen to me when I’m sad. Despite our problems, save Mikey, nobody has ever understood me like my dad did.
I really miss that feeling.
I know that I am lucky though. Because of his trials, and the trials he subjected me to, I am strong, and I know can do anything. I am forever grateful for that.
It is officially fall break! woo!! I can’t believe we get an entire week off this year. Seriously it’s making me so happy. So what am I doing to celebrate? Currently I’m on campus blogging. Apparently I missed the smell of the University of Utah.
As stated by my last post, I am going to be working on my artist’s statement as well as drafting ideas for my final. I’ve been toying around with some ideas and after talking with people it’s been made evident that my work is lacking when it comes to actually expressing who I am.
My final project will be a mixed media piece about addiction and what it means to me.
I am really excited and terrified at the same time. I feel like I have come so far since my father passed away, and I am worried that working on this project will send me spiraling downward into another 2 year depression. And while I don’t sleep now, not sleeping because you’re busy is much easier to deal with than staying awake for days on end fixating on things you can’t do anything about.
I’m having difficulties translating my feelings into visual images. I have a few ideas on what I want to incorporate into the piece, but I’m not sure how it will all come together. In the past when composing my layered images, It’s always been about trial and error. Since the images never meant anything all I cared about was aesthetic value. This time however it’s quite different.
I think that this will either be my biggest success or biggest failure, and I am really nervous to have the piece critiqued.
I guess we will see what happens aye?
I love the Colbert Report. Just thought I’d put that out there.
Fall break started for me officially nine hours ago, and I am so excited. I have a million different plans on what I want to do with my newfound spare time and I am pretty excited about it.
This weekend I would like to accomplish the following:
1) Frame prints for the Meyer Gallery
2) Clean my room
3) Deep clean my car (which includes the lip gloss sticky sick ass mess on the outside of my window. CERTAIN PEOPLE think it is normal to kiss windows while wearing copious amounts of lip gloss.)
4) Learn how to make Cyanotypes
5) Write my Artist’s Statement
6) Math Math Math
7) Donate a bunch of stuff to good will
Draft Ideas for my final project
9) Make a pinhole camera
10) Laundry
11) Sleep
12) Transfer music from my PC to my laptop
13) Speaking of music, burn the Peter Bjorn and John cd for Marci… Sorry..
14) Rip a bunch of cds
15) Search for copy of Muppet Treasure Island Soundtrack to sell. Holy. Crap.
16) See a movie or two.
17) Begin Christmas plans
18) Catch up on Heroes
It’s gonna be a good week.
