Fake it for a while, bite your tongue and smile

So when you think to yourself “I should blog” and the first two titles that come to mind are Kelly Clarkson and Green Day lyrics, it is time to reasses. (no offense, I like her too. but not in the her-music-is-so-deep-and-she-totally-gets-me sort of way.)Luckily I found a Shins lyric. (Thanks ZB.)

Internet, I am driving myself crazy. Why is it that every November I come off this awesome “I’m so independent” or “I am unstoppable” high to land face first in a “tee-hee I like boys” attitude? Like really? What happened to Miss Independent?

She didn’t fall in love that’s for sure.

So what will happen next? I’ll spend the next month or so dwelling over meetings that are essentially meaningless. I’ll annoy the crap out of Sarah, Marci,and Jeremy by telling them every last irritating detail, like how he likes his coffee or what his shoe size is. I’ll have a daily meeting with Scott so he can decipher what this and that means, and convince him to convince me that he actually likes me. I’ll probably write a journal or something to keep me from blogging about it and embarrassing myself. Then he’ll tell me I’m his best friend. And then comes the crying.

At least the girls will bring me Tagalog ice cream and Jeremy and Becca will take me rummaging in Orem.

So my question is, WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF? Honestly? I do this over and over and over. I know that I’m happiest when I’m single, I know that I hate having ridiculous “crushes.” I know that I am annoying, yet I can’t stop. I? am a walking contradiction.

And I don’t know what to do.

These hips don’t lie

All I know is I’ve never been so hurt.

Sarah says:
you are a sad, sad excuse for a human being.

Sometimes your words just cut to the quick.

I’m going to go sniff some sardines.

You’ve gotta friend in me

As you probably already know, having close friends takes a lot of work. Having a close group of girlfriends can also be trying at times, because lets face it, sometimes we are catty. I am blessed to have 3 girlfriends whom i get along with seamlessly, however it’s not always easy, and occasionally we talk smack on each other.

Sarah says:
MARCI LOOKS EFFING ADORABLE.
Sarah says:
UGH
Mallory says:
OF COURSE SHE DOES
Mallory says:
shes Marci?
Sarah says:
I know.
Sarah says:
It’s so annoying.
Sarah says:
ANNOYINGLY ADORABLE
Sarah says:
She could at least warn me.
Sarah says:
Like “Sarah, just fyi, I’m going to look perfect every day this week, so you might want to sack up.”

Sorry we gossiped about you Maac.

How will I break the news to you?

A while back I had a conversation with my dear friend Jeremy. We were talking about the girls and the various roles we play. Sarah is the fun outgoing one, Lisa is the smart one, and Marci is of course, the hot one. I referred to myself as the “boring serious one who always makes sure we’re on time.” Because lets face it, I tend to be boring, and you can’t argue my punctuality. He corrected me and told me that I’m the serious introspective one. For some reason that struck me as profound, and since having the conversation I have thought about it a lot. Introspectively of course.

I concluded that I blog because of my “serious introspective-ness.” I also concluded that I really am an artist who is torn up on the inside. It’s kind of neat, because I love blogging almost as much as I love making art, and for some reason it never occurred to me that I love them both for the same reason. I often worry that I don’t take photography as serious as I should because I’m too busy being preoccupied by life’s distractions. Now I know that the two are very much connected.

I think that I wear my life on my sleeve a little too much. I blog about things that are probably too personal for the internet, and I put my personal life into my work. I get it from my Mom. And I’m okay with that. I have been suffering some blogger’s remorse lately, but right now, at this very moment I don’t care. Some blogs are about politics. Mine isn’t. I have decided that my blog is about my creative process as an artist. To create I draw from experiences in my life. I draw from the records kept on this website.

So there you have it. I have become one of those incredibly irritating people who go around proclaiming to the world that they are, in fact, an artist. I don’t think that I am special because of my need to express myself, and I don’t think that my art is particularly great at this point. However this is who I am, and I’m glad to be that person, regardless of who likes me.

I suppose I should come with some sort of disclaimer: Warning! you may be blogged about.

What if? Don’t even think it

So far this week my brain has sounded like the song Rosetta Stoned by Tool. Its on the 10,000 Days album in case you were wondering. Mostly its a song with a lot of incoherent rambling.. Needless to say I haven’t really had the desire to blog, but I feel like I should or something. So here I am.

Nothing too new to report, I’ve been feeling kind of bored with everything again this week. I want it to be summer time, even though I’m not ready for the semester to end. I can’t believe that I’ve already been in the photography dept for a year. I always think its interesting to look back to where I was “last year at this time.”

I feel like I’ve grown in quite a few ways. I’ve solidified a couple of really important friendships, grown as an artist, become a better blogger, and made a ton of new, close, friends. However I feel like in other aspects I’m in exactly the same place. Last night Marci and I went for chai. We basically had the same conversation we had last year at this time, and again came to the exact same conclusion. The results of the talk are the same, I feel better about life, and we’re gonna make another summer list.

I can’t help but wonder what I’m doing to end up in the same place at the same time year after year. Maybe I should ask Ben Lee, he always seems to understand.

You already know how this will end

Currently, my life is too boring to blog about. (If you’re bored then you’re boring?) So please enjoy this story from the past.

So the night after the election, I talked Marci into going to a singles mixer with me… After sitting in my car for about 10 minutes deliberating on whether or not to go inside, we got out of the car and into the club where said mixer was held. We were given name badges, partook of some of the free food and mostly sat around talking with each other. We were approached by a few of the other singles, which were mostly nice. One man even told us a joke about the Pope and a limousine. After about an hour or so two lovely gentlemen approached us, named Brooks and Kevin.

We chatted for about ten minutes when one of the event coordinators came over and forced everyone to squeeze into the tiny booth. There we chatted some more, and thus began a beautiful friendship. (Cheesiness intended). The only downside to the night? Being pulled out on to the dance floor by said coordinator…There are few things more awkward than 4 strangers on a dance floor, trying to make at least a semi-decent first impression when none of you really dance… at least to the hippity hoppidy music that all the cool kids listen to…

So why tell this story you ask? I’ll tell you. Had Maac and I decided just to go back to her house and watch Benji, I would not be able to link to any of these fabulous blogs. That’s right. Not only did I meet two really cool guys, but it grew into a ton of other friendships that I hold near and dear to my heart. So yeah. Thanks for letting me be friends with your friends Kevin, it’s been a blast so far. Even if you are trying to steal my identity, I mean, you even have a blog of your own now.

Have a good’un

Unintended

On Feb. 19th my Aunt’s mother passed away, and Saturday was her funeral. For some reason I had a really hard time with it. Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to cry, or maybe it brought back really painful memories. This is the first funeral I’ve been to in since October, 2004. It is insane how much you forget, and even more insane is how it all comes back in an instant. Little things like cloth covered folding chairs at the graveside, hearing my Grandfather speak, and family prayers brought back so many memories. I couldn’t help but empathize.

Combine that with some personal drama, and that makes for one overwhelming weekend. While this past weekend was particularly rough, I’m really lucky to know what things will always make me feel better.

• Talking to my Mom at 3:00 AM
• “Dropping by” to certain friends’ house, even if it is at 1 in the morning and they’re not expecting me
• Being able to look back and see how far I’ve come, it’s really empowering sometimes
• New Shoes
• Surprise visits from my family
• Tagalong ice cream. Dude its frigging good.
• New gadgets
• Singing to the radio with Mikey
• Watching stupid TV shows with Mikey
• Eating Ice cream with Mikey
• New Purses
• Spending time with a new friend
• Seeing siblings I don’t see nearly enough
• Spending time with my extended family and realizing it’s importance
• New CDs

Okay, I’ll end my sappy post now… And I’ll start being funny again soon. Thanks for bearing with me.

Have a good’un

Our Hopes and Expectations, Black Holes and Revelations

ATTENTION EVERYONE!!

So Miss Maac and I have a tradition of seeing Oscar Nominated films before the grand ceremony. These are the films we still need to see:

The Queen
Babel
Letters from Iwo Jima
Pan’s Labyrinth
Blood Diamond
The Last King of Scotland
Volver
Little Children
The Good Shepard
The Black Dahlia
The Illusionist

Please sign up in the comments section if you would a) like to attend b) pay for our admission c) buy us flowers.

Have a good’un

Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain

So I don’t know what is up with me, but my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride lately. Pretty soon I’m going to start writing emo song songs or something, and that? could be scary.
Without going into too much detail, lets just say I’m lucky to have friends who will throw me black and purple parties, wear du-rags, hang out even if I haven’t seen them for months, and get upset if they think I’m mad at them.

I am so lucky.

Have a good’un.

Its time for a depressing post! WOO HOO! oh… wait. So yeah, two years ago on Tuesday marks the 2 year anniversary of my Dad’s death. Although, I suppose today could be viewed as the anniversary because it happened on a Sunday. I think its becoming a tradition for me to re-asses and evaluate my life at this time of the year, which is probably a good thing. I think I’ve grown immensely in this past year. Going up to the U and making new friends has changed my all or none attitude that I held so strongly to, and I can’t even begin to tell you how good it feels to not be afraid anymore. Yesterday while at breakfast with Marci, we were talking about how happy we are now socially, and I realized I don’t think I have ever been happier than I am at this current time (knock on wood). Everything is amazing. I love my job. I love School and my major. I love feeling apart of an important campaign. I love my family. I am friends with the most amazing people I have ever met, some who I’ve known since i was in 4th grade, some who have been through things I can’t even imagine, some who are willing to be wacky and fun at one moment, and then drop everything at the next because I need to cry about something, some who I’ve never even met but know I can always count on for anything. I don’t know what I did to be so lucky. but I’m glad that I am.

I still miss my dad every day.

I hate it that things turned out the way they did, and I hate it that he couldn’t get better. I hate it that he’ll never see me succeed, that he’ll never see my first showing. I hate it that he doesn’t know my friends and I hate it that he’ll never know my boyfriends. I hate it that he won’t walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. I hate it that he can’t take Mikey and me camping, or hiking or to the Mountain Men Rendezvous. I hate it because he shouldn’t be dead. I think that everything happens for a reason, but I hate it that its so unfair.

But like I said earlier, I am so lucky to be where I am today.

Have a good’un